Peace?

Wow it's been awhile. Was I too preoccupied with life? Or I just couldn't put everything in words? So many things happened this year. Its only the start of 2017, and I feel like my life just went over my head and changed completely. People left, new people came, plans backfired, feelings hurt. I guess that's life right?

January-February 2017
Things were as per usual. At least that's what I thought. We have people staying over here. So much longer than your usual "staying over". The house became so much messier and noisier. Parents became so much more vexed and the constant quarrels were suffocating. These people... I wonder what they felt. They were the ones causing all this ruckus. Don't they feel guilty? Not even a single trace of guilt! How do you even live with yourself?

You can't accept the truth when its thrown right at your face. You can't use your brain either. Well, since I'm always the stupid one, I suppose you'd be wiser right? I guess not. If you're happy with I said, or would like to disagree and give a better fact about yourself, you should've came and spoke to me.

I know now that both of you are COWARDS. You think everyone is scared of you cus you are a frequent resident in prison. I really don't give 2 shits. In fact, I don't even have to worry. You screw up, you end up back in there lol. But seriously, social media? Involving outsiders? You're THAT lacking up there? It's so sad to see how low you have stooped. And that friend of yours... just the same kind of shit you are.

Whatever, I don't really about you anyway. I brought myself a huge burden just thinking how could a sister do this but then I realised, you've been like a sister to me anyway. You were too busy hating me since I was born and no matter what accomplishments I achieved, it's causing you sore eyes. So yeah, for all I care, I have the house back pace and quiet and CLEAN.

Now, I should enjoy the peace, right? 🤣😏

It's been awhile...

Its been a long time since I wrote here. So many things happened. So many things changed.  Life is just so complicated.From the last post, I can say I stopped talking to Khidhir hahaha. Probably for the best. Dont want to catch them feelings again... right? Raihan is... well... being Raihan. The asshole but sometimes really, really sweet boyfriend material, Raihan. I still love him. But I dont know if I'm in love with him like how I used to. He kept giving me hopes... but he never showed any chances either. So, I'm not so sure. I feel like being toyed with but I know he didn't mean anything at all. He is just being a good guy friend, thats all. But thats what made it hurt so much more. Anyway, whatever. He said he is not ready to be in a relationship cus he want to "grow up as a person". LOL. Okay. I dont really know what to feel anymore. With all these assholes. My life just suck at everything, right? Not just romance... but life as a whole. Lol.

2 years...

It's been awhile since I wrote. Well, same goes since I last spoke with Khidhir. Today, marks the 1st day in 2 years that we talked. It was normal. It was fine. But I know it will never be the same. He still gave me smileys and laughs, but he seemed......... distant. Very distant. Not that it matters. He became distant long ago. Its just that, it felt weirder cus its been awhile since we have a conversation and not a terrible fight. I missed him. But I couldn't let go what he did. I couldn't forgot how much of an asshole he was. It was nice talking to him again, but its just because I want us to be on talking terms again. I know we can't pick up from where we left off... or I'll hurt again. I legit loved him. But he doesn't. And I just dont know if I could trust him again. Anyways, apart from the invincible distance between us, he acted like how he used to before we broke up. He was nice and sweet and friendly and then poof! he became the cold asshole that I never knew. Does anyone know how that feels? Cus I can't explain it myself. It'd be nice if he decided to tell me how much he regretted treating me the way he did before... but I wouldn't know what to do. So I guess I 'll just leave him to be the way he is. Hmm.

Never ending...

Problems on top of problems. Never after. So sick and tired of it. My mind is still messed up about my very own boyfriend, and now I have to think of my ex, which is now someone else's boyfriend. Yes, we're close... but its annoying how when he's sick and stressed, his brother will look for me. I am his friend. A simple friend. Not his girlfried, nor am I his wife. Why the fuck search for me? My life is already hard as it is, why can't you people deal with your own problems? You think your problem is the biggest in the world because you're sick and your girlfriend ignores you. I have this sickness for the past 4 years, my family is one big problem summed up, my boyfriend treats me like trash and now I have to deal with YOUR problems. What the hell am I? Serious. Don't be selfish. I need a life away from your problems too, to settle my own problems. I'm tired always being the middleman. You self pity yourself, but you don't pity others that are having a hard time because of you.

Messed up.

Its annoying how you keep me waiting day and night for your text. You said 'jap', 'brb', 'text u later'. Fuck all that. You never did return. Fuck all that. And fuck you. Why are you doing this to me? Were you like this when you're with your ex and you contacted me? I didn't know. And I regret. Maybe because I 'stole' you from her, someone else is trying to steal you from me? And you? That easy? Really? How long did you stay and tried your best to get me? 5 months. How long did it take for you to get bored of me and find someone else? 4 months. Thats not even equal. Man, I regret ever knowing and loving you. I'd rather continue the 3 years of loving someone I can't have. My biggest regret was giving my first kiss to you. I thought you'd be different. But you're just the same as Raihan and Faiz. I'm so disappointed with you. I'd rathee be single than be in a relationship that makes me feel alone... but I still love you. That's stupid and that hurts.

Unfair

My life as a child was terrible. When I was born, my father lost his job and our family's financials were very bad. I didn't get to buy new toys, new clothes. Everything was from my sister. Yes, I know that there are more unfortunate people out there. I'm just stating a comparison between me and my sisters. When my first 3 sisters were young, my father was incredibly loaded. Money wasn't a problem at all. Everything they wanted, was just at their fingertips. They would go on holidays together. Buy new toys and expensive clothes and eat pricey places. But that never happened for me. I grew up wearing my sister's old clothes, playing her old toys. It was... Heartbreaking. When I start to understand what it really feels like to have money, to be able to buy things for yourself, I was so into it. I wasn't into damn expensive goods, but I want many things. And i didn't ask money from my parents because I know they're living a hard life. So is it wrong for me to work to earn MY money, to buy MY own things?? If I couldn't feel blessed when I was young, couldn't I feel the slightest luckiness of having and buying my own things?? Why can't people understand me and be fair?? my sisters don't want me to get freedom, when they had the freedom way back. Why can't they give me a chance...?

I hate my fucking pathetic useless meaningless life.

I don't understand the reason of me being born, growing up and so called being a person. What the hell does it mean to be a growing person, a young adult, if all I do is restricted so badly? I'm waiting for my N level results, and we have up to 3 months of holidays. It's normal for us to go out and work during this period. the hell are you supposed to do at home for 3 freaking months? ROT? I'm not trusted, I'm not given just a little freaking freedom, and then I get blamed for everything. "Why can't you be like your sister?" "Why can't you open your mouth to ask for something?" "How can you succeed if this is how you do things?" "Why are you so afraid of people?" "What's the point of going to school if you always depend on your mum?". OKAY. Now, freaking tell me if going to work was a crime at my age, why a whole lot of students do it and they are not legally charged?? If I want to go and work but they kept saying no, WHEN can I stop depending on them? They are not letting me grow up independently but t hey expect me to be as independent as my sister that they clearly allowed to go to work at my age. Get why I hate my freaking life? How can you be so irrational and expect somebody to be like what you want them to be if you don't give them a chance??!! FUCK YOU.

Forever annoying -.-

To start the day like this, it was REALLY2 terrible. I planned it last night, to go out to jog with bestf today morning. It was agreed upon, but suddenly parents said no and mum started scolding me and piss me off. I still went out to jog, eventhough I was forbidden to do so. Yes, I'm disobedient, for the first time. Then, jogging was alllllll so fun. Reached home at 3.30pm and had a nice bath and finished house chores. At night, aft planning to go out again tmr, mum suddenly said someone's sleeping over at our house. SOMEONE WHOM I DONT EVEN KNOW. How annoying. I cant even get out of my room feeling comfortable. Been in my room since 8.30pm -.- Worse news, mum asked me to tag along with her to work. And scolded me when I said I wanna go out. IT'S NOT MY FAULT THIS FREAKING STRANGER IS STAYING IN OUR HOUSE -.- So annoyed. Really. Just hope that tmr she wont bother me and I can meet and friends to work out again. Grhhhh annoying....!!

N-LEVEL EXAMINATIONS

So now.......... not only romance happening in my life, but here comes the real studies stress. The National Exams are here. Done with languages and Social Studies 2 weeks ago. Ended Bio and Chem torture on Monday. Completed Maths Paper 1 today, Tuesday. Good thing is, there's no paper on Wednesday and Friday. So time off. Buttttttt, there's 2 damn hard papers on Thursday. Maths Paper 2 and Geography. Hahahah. Upcoming Monday and Tuesday are chill days. But needa face Design And Technology Theory paper on Wednesday. Theeeennnn, SAY GOODBYE TO BGSS, TO SECONDARY SCHOOL LIFE. Can't wait to graduate. But I'm sure gonna miss all the drama, and the annoying school mates and teachers. Life goes on...

18 April

My fault?

Yeah. Whatever. Who cares? If I'm sick, I'll take care of my own medicine. So whats the big deal now. I have not asked you to send me to sch on a freaking heavy raining day, have I? Then what are you making a fuss about?! You told me to use an umbrella and when I wanted to use the small one, you forbid me. Why th fuck did you ask me to use an umbrella? And you got so fucking worked up just because I did not use an umbrella to sch? I can still study even if I'm wet ok?! Seriously. Whatever. Fuck everything. I should just diee.