2 years...

It's been awhile since I wrote. Well, same goes since I last spoke with Khidhir. Today, marks the 1st day in 2 years that we talked. It was normal. It was fine. But I know it will never be the same. He still gave me smileys and laughs, but he seemed......... distant. Very distant. Not that it matters. He became distant long ago. Its just that, it felt weirder cus its been awhile since we have a conversation and not a terrible fight. I missed him. But I couldn't let go what he did. I couldn't forgot how much of an asshole he was. It was nice talking to him again, but its just because I want us to be on talking terms again. I know we can't pick up from where we left off... or I'll hurt again. I legit loved him. But he doesn't. And I just dont know if I could trust him again. Anyways, apart from the invincible distance between us, he acted like how he used to before we broke up. He was nice and sweet and friendly and then poof! he became the cold asshole that I never knew. Does anyone know how that feels? Cus I can't explain it myself. It'd be nice if he decided to tell me how much he regretted treating me the way he did before... but I wouldn't know what to do. So I guess I 'll just leave him to be the way he is. Hmm.

Never ending...

Problems on top of problems. Never after. So sick and tired of it. My mind is still messed up about my very own boyfriend, and now I have to think of my ex, which is now someone else's boyfriend. Yes, we're close... but its annoying how when he's sick and stressed, his brother will look for me. I am his friend. A simple friend. Not his girlfried, nor am I his wife. Why the fuck search for me? My life is already hard as it is, why can't you people deal with your own problems? You think your problem is the biggest in the world because you're sick and your girlfriend ignores you. I have this sickness for the past 4 years, my family is one big problem summed up, my boyfriend treats me like trash and now I have to deal with YOUR problems. What the hell am I? Serious. Don't be selfish. I need a life away from your problems too, to settle my own problems. I'm tired always being the middleman. You self pity yourself, but you don't pity others that are having a hard time because of you.

Messed up.

Its annoying how you keep me waiting day and night for your text. You said 'jap', 'brb', 'text u later'. Fuck all that. You never did return. Fuck all that. And fuck you. Why are you doing this to me? Were you like this when you're with your ex and you contacted me? I didn't know. And I regret. Maybe because I 'stole' you from her, someone else is trying to steal you from me? And you? That easy? Really? How long did you stay and tried your best to get me? 5 months. How long did it take for you to get bored of me and find someone else? 4 months. Thats not even equal. Man, I regret ever knowing and loving you. I'd rather continue the 3 years of loving someone I can't have. My biggest regret was giving my first kiss to you. I thought you'd be different. But you're just the same as Raihan and Faiz. I'm so disappointed with you. I'd rathee be single than be in a relationship that makes me feel alone... but I still love you. That's stupid and that hurts.

Unfair

My life as a child was terrible. When I was born, my father lost his job and our family's financials were very bad. I didn't get to buy new toys, new clothes. Everything was from my sister. Yes, I know that there are more unfortunate people out there. I'm just stating a comparison between me and my sisters. When my first 3 sisters were young, my father was incredibly loaded. Money wasn't a problem at all. Everything they wanted, was just at their fingertips. They would go on holidays together. Buy new toys and expensive clothes and eat pricey places. But that never happened for me. I grew up wearing my sister's old clothes, playing her old toys. It was... Heartbreaking. When I start to understand what it really feels like to have money, to be able to buy things for yourself, I was so into it. I wasn't into damn expensive goods, but I want many things. And i didn't ask money from my parents because I know they're living a hard life. So is it wrong for me to work to earn MY money, to buy MY own things?? If I couldn't feel blessed when I was young, couldn't I feel the slightest luckiness of having and buying my own things?? Why can't people understand me and be fair?? my sisters don't want me to get freedom, when they had the freedom way back. Why can't they give me a chance...?

I hate my fucking pathetic useless meaningless life.

I don't understand the reason of me being born, growing up and so called being a person. What the hell does it mean to be a growing person, a young adult, if all I do is restricted so badly? I'm waiting for my N level results, and we have up to 3 months of holidays. It's normal for us to go out and work during this period. the hell are you supposed to do at home for 3 freaking months? ROT? I'm not trusted, I'm not given just a little freaking freedom, and then I get blamed for everything. "Why can't you be like your sister?" "Why can't you open your mouth to ask for something?" "How can you succeed if this is how you do things?" "Why are you so afraid of people?" "What's the point of going to school if you always depend on your mum?". OKAY. Now, freaking tell me if going to work was a crime at my age, why a whole lot of students do it and they are not legally charged?? If I want to go and work but they kept saying no, WHEN can I stop depending on them? They are not letting me grow up independently but t hey expect me to be as independent as my sister that they clearly allowed to go to work at my age. Get why I hate my freaking life? How can you be so irrational and expect somebody to be like what you want them to be if you don't give them a chance??!! FUCK YOU.

Forever annoying -.-

To start the day like this, it was REALLY2 terrible. I planned it last night, to go out to jog with bestf today morning. It was agreed upon, but suddenly parents said no and mum started scolding me and piss me off. I still went out to jog, eventhough I was forbidden to do so. Yes, I'm disobedient, for the first time. Then, jogging was alllllll so fun. Reached home at 3.30pm and had a nice bath and finished house chores. At night, aft planning to go out again tmr, mum suddenly said someone's sleeping over at our house. SOMEONE WHOM I DONT EVEN KNOW. How annoying. I cant even get out of my room feeling comfortable. Been in my room since 8.30pm -.- Worse news, mum asked me to tag along with her to work. And scolded me when I said I wanna go out. IT'S NOT MY FAULT THIS FREAKING STRANGER IS STAYING IN OUR HOUSE -.- So annoyed. Really. Just hope that tmr she wont bother me and I can meet and friends to work out again. Grhhhh annoying....!!

N-LEVEL EXAMINATIONS

So now.......... not only romance happening in my life, but here comes the real studies stress. The National Exams are here. Done with languages and Social Studies 2 weeks ago. Ended Bio and Chem torture on Monday. Completed Maths Paper 1 today, Tuesday. Good thing is, there's no paper on Wednesday and Friday. So time off. Buttttttt, there's 2 damn hard papers on Thursday. Maths Paper 2 and Geography. Hahahah. Upcoming Monday and Tuesday are chill days. But needa face Design And Technology Theory paper on Wednesday. Theeeennnn, SAY GOODBYE TO BGSS, TO SECONDARY SCHOOL LIFE. Can't wait to graduate. But I'm sure gonna miss all the drama, and the annoying school mates and teachers. Life goes on...

18 April

My fault?

Yeah. Whatever. Who cares? If I'm sick, I'll take care of my own medicine. So whats the big deal now. I have not asked you to send me to sch on a freaking heavy raining day, have I? Then what are you making a fuss about?! You told me to use an umbrella and when I wanted to use the small one, you forbid me. Why th fuck did you ask me to use an umbrella? And you got so fucking worked up just because I did not use an umbrella to sch? I can still study even if I'm wet ok?! Seriously. Whatever. Fuck everything. I should just diee.

Bitches On Alert. FORME.

Been a while since I wrote to you. The only place I can actually confide the real thing I feel. Recently, theres been so many 'bitches' bothering a big lot of my life. I don't get why they're just there, watching my every move, when they actually hate me. Sometimes I feel like I'm too cool that they gave me 110% attention of their lives to me. Hahahahha. But again, when it comes to rumours and shits about me that they clearly don't know, it becomes annoying and hateful. The pain. In the heart. Is more than. Excrutiating. Yes. I'm sure loads of is victims feel the same way when people they don't know starts to talk bullshit about them. I kinda feel bothered with these people. And tbh, I even feel annoyed with their existence around me, especially when they're being an attention seeker or a hypocrite towards me. Ewww please. Can you be more.... Plastic? Hahahahah. Frankly speaking, I don't really respond to these people. Most of the time, I didn't even answer their question. And it feels likeabossss. Hahahahah. Aigoooo. Let's just have a part two tmr, shall we?? Eyes are hurting. Having sore eyes. Byebye :)

Annoyed

Do u know the feeling when people told u strongly that u have to stidy hard and ace ur subs but in the very end, they're the ones stopping u from success?? I always felt that. I felt like theres no point telling me to do well when at the moment im trying very hard to get the marks, they stop me from doing so. Wtf? I loss i whole lot of CIP last yr because of these peoples mistake. And when im trying to cover it up while my friends get more than i do, THESE people are the ones stopping me. Might as well just tell me stop sch right?? I dont understand what they're thinking. They dont understand the system and freaking expect me to ace my studies with no point helping. Think im a geniuss?!?!?! FML!