Roughly another three weeks have passed. I'm still stuck on the Mec, for obvious reasons. I still love him and well, I never did get a proper closure from him, you see... He never answered my questions, so I'm much left hanging, despite the rather clean break-up. Though I guess I'm not shocked. When have men fulfilled their promises? When have MEC ever fulfilled his promises? I don't know what I was actually expecting from him. Oh well, time will heal all wounds and help me forget him, forget how I much time, energy and feelings I gave him.
Anyway, J and K broke up. Lowkey expected that, with how the dude was being with me, yknow? He wasn't even upset about it, mind you. He sounded very much relieved that he didn't have to think about it anymore. But he hasn't talked about us much further, but I guess it's because he's been really busy. I was even lucky to get a little bit of his time last night, but I don't have much hopes with him either. I feel like he's hiding something but I'm not entirely sure. I also don't think K would be happy to know he was actually harbouring feelings for me throughout the whole time they were dating. She'd be super upset. I mean, I would be too, if my boyfriend liked someone else while dating me. Either way, she's still pretty upset about him and well, J seems rather nonchalant about the entire thing.
And guess what, the ex came back into the picture with again, not so shocking news. M told me he broke up with his girlfriend, blamed himself as usual, and suddenly started acting like how he did with me before again. A never-ending loop, if you ask me. We talked, has a rather strange moment last night, and then we were suddenly reminiscing our past relationship. What went wrong and how much we loved each other and how happy we were together. Then again, what is that conversation for, right? We ended it a long while ago and it's been a long time since then. We're almost at the one year mark of our friendship too, believe it or not. If we were still dating, we would've been dating for a year next month. IF, that is.
Anyway, I guess leaving without emotional attachments to anyone is the best choice, I believe. I stopped missing people, stopped worrying about unnecessary stuff while I was there and I definitely stopped crying at random times. Of course, I can't fix my mood, but that's something that has been an issue even when I'm home so it's nothing new. I don't know what else is going to happen in my life, since a short period of three weeks could change so much. It's been a rather confusing couple of months, but I guess Allah S.W.T removed Mec for a reason, despite my strong hopes that he would still be a part of my life. Maybe Allah is also trying to remove J and M slowly, but we'll see how it is.
For now, I'm going to have to excuse myself again as usual. Till next time - Paj out.
Monday, November 18, 2019
Saturday, November 2, 2019
It's been three weeks...
As promised, I'd update when I return home again. Well, it's my last day home before I have to go back to 'the' place. A lot of things happened. A lot has changed and honestly, I don't really know how to think or feel about it all.
Firstly, I lost Mec. We broke up the very day I got my phone back because he felt like things aren't fair for either of us and that we both deserve to find someone we can truly hold instead of finding comfort in words and photos. I guess it makes sense, but it would've hurt a little less if he said that when I was going to leave the first time. He said a completely different thing then, but it's suddenly an issue now. Oh well... I was very much looking forward to talking to him. I had so much I wanted to tell him. So much I wanted to ask and hear from him, but I guess I can forget all that now. I even kept a diary that was mostly dedicated to him, but now that book means shit. I'd probably burn it or tear out the pages. It just hurts to think about him now, considering we've made a considerable amount of memories together. I truly loved him and I was really, really happy with him. He said he wanted us to stay as friends, but he ghosted me right away after breaking up with me. God.. I don't know how much I've cried for that man since before we dated. I just love you so, so much, Mec. This is way harder for me than I made you believe...
Moving on, J is a motherflacking madman. He literally dropped the bomb on me, right after I broke up with the man I loved so much, that he's still in love with me. Despite being in a relationship. He's loved me since before I dated Mec, but he's never said anything before. And guess what? He wanted to cheat on her with me. Like, tf? K is my bestfriend. I could never do that her. Hell, I could never do that to anyone. I'd never want to experience that again personally, so why would I do that to someone else? Either way, he's been bothering me, saying 'I love you's like it meant nothing. Heck, I'm not even over Mec yet. I still miss that man a ton, so J is seriously making a huge mess in my head, with his confession and his invitation. It's incredibly maddening. And I have a strange feeling that he's lying about who he really is, but I can't tell K because then she'd find out J's supposed secret and it would also mess her up badly. I'm just so damn stressed.
Meanwhile, K told me that their relationship hasn't been doing great. They had a fight that started from something miniscule and it's kind of dragged out until now. I don't really understand why it's become such a big deal, but it has. And it feels like J is not even trying to fix it because he's way to focused on me to give a shit. Even K told me that they barely spoke, but he's been talking to me the entire night last night. She also told me that it's really awkward between them, so I really don't know what's going to happen while I'm gone. I hope J disappears somehow, so then I don't have to explain anything to K and just symphatise with her. Dear life, why are you so complicated...
On the good side, I met Jassie yesterday and it was really great. I missed her immensely and getting the chance to talk to her and joke around like old times felt amazing. Though it was a really shot session, since she ended work late and the mall was closing up so we couldn't stay longer. I need a much, much longer time with her. I need someone to talk to. Someone who'd give me support instead of blaming me or shooting me down, or guilt-tripping me by saying they're jealous. I need just one person that I can talk about Mec with, because while everyone is busy adding their issues to my thoughts, I didn't even get the chance to properly cry for him. I want him and I need him...
Either way, I'll be leaving in a few hours. J isn't around at the moment, despite saying he'd spend the whole day with me. K and A are both sleeping. Mec is also sleeping, I suppose, but he's been ignoring me anyway so it won't make any difference if he's up. I sent him one long ass text with a summary of what I wanted to say, so I guess we won't be talking anymore. I'll be gone for another three weeks, so I hope that would be enough time for me to heal.
His Nur - out.
Firstly, I lost Mec. We broke up the very day I got my phone back because he felt like things aren't fair for either of us and that we both deserve to find someone we can truly hold instead of finding comfort in words and photos. I guess it makes sense, but it would've hurt a little less if he said that when I was going to leave the first time. He said a completely different thing then, but it's suddenly an issue now. Oh well... I was very much looking forward to talking to him. I had so much I wanted to tell him. So much I wanted to ask and hear from him, but I guess I can forget all that now. I even kept a diary that was mostly dedicated to him, but now that book means shit. I'd probably burn it or tear out the pages. It just hurts to think about him now, considering we've made a considerable amount of memories together. I truly loved him and I was really, really happy with him. He said he wanted us to stay as friends, but he ghosted me right away after breaking up with me. God.. I don't know how much I've cried for that man since before we dated. I just love you so, so much, Mec. This is way harder for me than I made you believe...
Moving on, J is a motherflacking madman. He literally dropped the bomb on me, right after I broke up with the man I loved so much, that he's still in love with me. Despite being in a relationship. He's loved me since before I dated Mec, but he's never said anything before. And guess what? He wanted to cheat on her with me. Like, tf? K is my bestfriend. I could never do that her. Hell, I could never do that to anyone. I'd never want to experience that again personally, so why would I do that to someone else? Either way, he's been bothering me, saying 'I love you's like it meant nothing. Heck, I'm not even over Mec yet. I still miss that man a ton, so J is seriously making a huge mess in my head, with his confession and his invitation. It's incredibly maddening. And I have a strange feeling that he's lying about who he really is, but I can't tell K because then she'd find out J's supposed secret and it would also mess her up badly. I'm just so damn stressed.
Meanwhile, K told me that their relationship hasn't been doing great. They had a fight that started from something miniscule and it's kind of dragged out until now. I don't really understand why it's become such a big deal, but it has. And it feels like J is not even trying to fix it because he's way to focused on me to give a shit. Even K told me that they barely spoke, but he's been talking to me the entire night last night. She also told me that it's really awkward between them, so I really don't know what's going to happen while I'm gone. I hope J disappears somehow, so then I don't have to explain anything to K and just symphatise with her. Dear life, why are you so complicated...
On the good side, I met Jassie yesterday and it was really great. I missed her immensely and getting the chance to talk to her and joke around like old times felt amazing. Though it was a really shot session, since she ended work late and the mall was closing up so we couldn't stay longer. I need a much, much longer time with her. I need someone to talk to. Someone who'd give me support instead of blaming me or shooting me down, or guilt-tripping me by saying they're jealous. I need just one person that I can talk about Mec with, because while everyone is busy adding their issues to my thoughts, I didn't even get the chance to properly cry for him. I want him and I need him...
Either way, I'll be leaving in a few hours. J isn't around at the moment, despite saying he'd spend the whole day with me. K and A are both sleeping. Mec is also sleeping, I suppose, but he's been ignoring me anyway so it won't make any difference if he's up. I sent him one long ass text with a summary of what I wanted to say, so I guess we won't be talking anymore. I'll be gone for another three weeks, so I hope that would be enough time for me to heal.
His Nur - out.
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