It's finally happened.

So 1.5 months passed since my last post, and Jax has finally left for Basic training. When we first talked about it, he thought that he'd be gone for roughly around two months, then he'll come back home for a short while before leaving for AIT. However, while talking on the phone and discussing about it while planning some stuff for us, he found out that he wouldn't have a break between basic and AIT (cause he's dumb lol) and so, 2 months became something that's almost 6 months. 6 months of not talking to the idiot.. I have to say, it's been really hard.

It's only been slightly over a week now, but it's driving me nuts. I miss him a lot and I keep texting him, sending him memes that remind me of him, sending him selfies and videos. It's crazy hahaha I feel kind of extra, but yeah. I really wish we could've talked more before he left though...

So a week before he left, Jax got into a rather depressive state. He was barely online, he barely slept, barely ate. He kept getting these weird, bad dreams about various things, me included. I didn't know how to help him because while he was having his episodes, I was having mine too. I couldn't tell him that, but I couldn't figure out how to help him either because he wasn't opening up to me. Apparently, according to the man himself, he resorts to shut down and isolation whenever he's facing huge changes in life.

Well.. I guess I could understand that. I tried, at least. It put pressure on me, on him, on us. We had fights, disagreements, we even almost broke up. Despite that, we worked it out and he stepped out of his breakdown almost a week after. He spent as much time as he could with me in the last few days, even when he was busy meeting his family and friends. Even in the days that he was recoiling into his shell, he still checked up on me and never failed to remind me that he loves me.

All that aside, we got over a few things since we started dating and we have grown quite a bit together, but I mean it's still a fairly new relationship lol. We've made a few plans for ourselves, like meeting up and stuff, so we'll see how that goes. I would say that this would be my first long relationship in years though. I really hope it lasts, but again, we'll see how it goes when he comes back. He'd probably be able to use his phone after Basic, when he's transferring from the training base to training school. It'll be great if it that's the case, but if not, we'd be dating for 7-8 months by the time he returns lmao.

Alright, I guess that's all from me for now. I promise I'll update more frequently. I kept forgetting that I have this blog to spill my thoughts, and that's why my posts are so irregular. Anyway, I'll share more cute stuff in my next post and also one good news! See y'all soon 💖

Finally back!

Yes, yes, it hasn't been three months. I came back earlier that planned due to some personal reasons with the hosts taking care of me. I didn't want to really take it to heart and was planning to overlook it, but I guess patience has a certain limit and mine reached the maximum. Anyway, it's all good because I've been doing well and my request was adhered accordingly. Here I am, home almost two weeks early.

So, where do I start? My sister got a new pet, a cute female cat named Matcha. She's really friendly and she definitely loves me. Like seriously, she's only really nice to me and my oldest niece, only playing with us and avoids the others lol. Well, I'm waiting for her little babies to arrive so I can have em to meself muahhahahaha.

Lots of things happened while I was away and after I came back. This post was half written a few days after I came back, but clearly I was too distracted to finish and post it. And let's all blame it on one amazing man that's been keeping be occupied every single day. Yes, I met someone. Well, he's an old friend that surprisingly managed to change his title in my life. He' my bestfriend and I'm proud to say that he is also my boyfriend. Let's just hope this time it finally works out and he ends up being more  than that because well.. he's made me feel things I've never felt with anyone. He's been treating me really well, even after we started dating. Yes, you might think "but that's normal and shit", but no it's normal for me. The pursuing and sweet flirting usually ends after the dating starts, but this time, it didn't. He's still doing  the shit he did to win me over and he made me kinda a priority in his life and honestly, it made me feel hella odd.

Well, to be fair, I don't have much to share about my December. I turned 22 on December 16th. That's also the day Jax and I started dating. It was hella cringy but it was really cute too. I don't know, maybe I'm just head over heels with the man at the moment. All I know is that I'm pretty blessed to have him in my life and I definitely didn't know what I was missing in my previous relationships until this one. He made me feel special, loved and very very wanted. It would really, really suck if I lost him, but that's life. I do hope this one stays though.

Okay I'm sure this is really boring. I have a ton of things to talk about the guy but I will spare you the details and just keep being happy for as long as I can. I do know I'm gonna be really depressed in 1.5 months when he leaves for the army though. I'll miss him so much and I won't even be able to do anything. Anywaaaaaay, HAPPY NEW YEAR! I started 2019 very differently from how I ended it, but I love how I started 2020. Let's pray and hope I get to end it just as amazingly or much, much better. Till next time, adios!

~Leoaica~

Strange Repetitive Cycle

Roughly another three weeks have passed. I'm still stuck on the Mec, for obvious reasons. I still love him and well, I never did get a proper closure from him, you see... He never answered my questions, so I'm much left hanging, despite the rather clean break-up. Though I guess I'm not shocked. When have men fulfilled their promises? When have MEC ever fulfilled his promises? I don't know what I was actually expecting from him. Oh well, time will heal all wounds and help me forget him, forget how I much time, energy and feelings I gave him.

Anyway, J and K broke up. Lowkey expected that, with how the dude was being with me, yknow? He wasn't even upset about it, mind you. He sounded very much relieved that he didn't have to think about it anymore. But he hasn't talked about us much further, but I guess it's because he's been really busy. I was even lucky to get a little bit of his time last night, but I don't have much hopes with him either. I feel like he's hiding something but I'm not entirely sure. I also don't think K would be happy to know he was actually harbouring feelings for me throughout the whole time they were dating. She'd be super upset. I mean, I would be too, if my boyfriend liked someone else while dating me. Either way, she's still pretty upset about him and well, J seems rather nonchalant about the entire thing.

And guess what, the ex came back into the  picture with again, not so shocking news. M told me he broke up with his girlfriend, blamed himself as usual, and suddenly started acting like how he did with me before again. A never-ending loop, if you ask me. We talked, has a rather strange moment last night, and then we were suddenly reminiscing our past relationship. What went wrong and how much we loved each other and how happy we were together. Then again, what is that conversation for, right? We ended it a long while ago and it's been a long time since then. We're almost at the one year mark of our friendship too, believe it or not. If we were still dating, we would've been dating for a year next month. IF, that is.

Anyway, I guess leaving without emotional attachments to anyone is the  best choice, I believe. I stopped missing people, stopped worrying about unnecessary stuff while I was there and I definitely stopped crying at random times. Of course, I can't fix my mood, but that's something that has been an issue  even when I'm home so it's nothing new. I don't know what else is going to happen in my life, since a short period of three weeks could change so much. It's been a rather confusing couple of months, but I guess Allah S.W.T removed Mec for a reason, despite my strong hopes that he would still be a part of my life. Maybe Allah is also trying to remove J and M slowly, but we'll see how it is.

For now, I'm going to have to excuse myself again as usual. Till next time - Paj out.

It's been three weeks...

As promised, I'd update when I return home again. Well, it's my last day home before I have to go back to 'the' place. A lot of things happened. A lot has changed and honestly, I don't really know how to think or feel about it all.

Firstly, I lost Mec. We broke up the very day I got my phone back because he felt like things aren't fair for either of us and that we both deserve to find someone we can truly hold instead of finding comfort in words and photos. I guess it makes sense, but it would've hurt a little less if he said that when I was going to leave the first time. He said a completely different thing then, but it's suddenly an issue now. Oh well... I was very much looking forward to talking to him. I had so much I wanted to tell him. So much I wanted to ask and hear from him, but I guess I can forget all that now. I even kept a diary that was mostly dedicated to him, but now that book means shit. I'd probably burn it or tear out the pages. It just hurts to think about him now, considering we've made a considerable amount of memories together. I truly loved him and I was really, really happy with him. He said he wanted us to stay as friends, but he ghosted me right away after breaking up with me. God.. I don't know how much I've cried for that man since before we dated. I just love you so, so much, Mec. This is way harder for me than I made you believe...

Moving on, J is a motherflacking madman. He literally dropped the bomb on me, right after I broke up with the man I loved so much, that he's still in love with me. Despite being in a relationship. He's loved me since before I dated Mec, but he's never said anything before. And guess what? He wanted to cheat on her with me. Like, tf? K is my bestfriend. I could never do that her. Hell, I could never do that to anyone. I'd never want to experience that again personally, so why would I do that to someone else? Either way, he's been bothering me, saying 'I love you's like it meant nothing. Heck, I'm not even over Mec yet. I still miss that man a ton, so J is seriously making a huge mess in my head, with his confession and his invitation. It's incredibly maddening. And I have a strange feeling that he's lying about who he really is, but I can't tell K because then she'd find out J's supposed secret and it would also mess her up badly. I'm just so damn stressed.

Meanwhile, K told me that their relationship hasn't been doing great. They had a fight that started from something miniscule and it's kind of dragged out until now. I don't really understand why it's become such a big deal, but it has. And it feels like J is not even trying to fix it because he's way to focused on me to give a shit. Even K told me that they barely spoke, but he's been talking to me the entire night last night. She also told me that it's really awkward between them, so I really don't know what's going to happen while I'm gone. I hope J disappears somehow, so then I don't have to explain anything to K and just symphatise with her. Dear life, why are you so complicated...

On the good side, I met Jassie yesterday and it was really great. I missed her immensely and getting the chance to talk to her and joke around like old times felt amazing. Though it was a really shot session, since she ended work late and the mall was closing up so we couldn't stay longer. I need a much, much longer time with her. I need someone to talk to. Someone who'd give me support instead of blaming me or shooting me down, or guilt-tripping me by saying they're jealous. I need just one person that I can talk about Mec with, because while everyone is busy adding their issues to my thoughts, I didn't even get the chance to properly cry for him. I want him and I need him...

Either way, I'll be leaving in a few hours. J isn't around at the moment, despite saying he'd spend the whole day with me. K and A are both sleeping. Mec is also sleeping, I suppose, but he's been ignoring me anyway so it won't make any difference if he's up. I sent him one long ass text with a summary of what I wanted to say, so I guess we won't be talking anymore. I'll be gone for another three weeks, so I hope that would be enough time for me to heal.

His Nur - out.

As promised, a continuation!

Okay, I'm back within a few hours! It's rare, I know, but I promised and well, I didn't really have anything else to do 😆

So, not sure where to start. Maybe from where it started to grow worse. Hmm... after working at my crazy ass workplace, I was transferred to a warehouse branch on the same company. It was much closer to home, but the environment was critical. I got a panic attack on the first day, broke down in the bathroom twice and prevented another one before I went home. It was shitty there. Work was extremely heavy, it worsened my back terribly and I fell sick much more there. Long story short, I decided to resign so I could take a break. Met great colleagues on my last week of work there, which was upsetting. I would have stayed if the job wasn't causing harm to me. But anyway, I quit after a month there, and that's where shit went down.

A week - no - a few days after I resigned, my mum started making a fuss about shit. didn't give me a chance at all to rest and take my time before she forced me to move to my sister's boarding school. You bet I was upset. It wasn't much of a heads up as we pretty much left the night of the day she told me. Literally forced me there and stuff. Took my phone away and left me without any money or any means of contacting anyone. Good thing is, I argued to stay at my sister's house instead so I still had my nieces to accompany me. It was the longest two weeks of my life; crying, crying, studying, praying, crying again, waiting. I left my friends with not much of a warning and a goodbye, I left my boyfriend with not much of anything either. All we agreed on was that he'll wait for me and be honest if he decides to leave. Well, he didn't, thankfully.

So  I came back on Monday this week due to a hospital appointment scheduled on Tuesday. Texted J, K, A and Mec, and of course my IRL friends. I would like to think that they were all happy to see me, especially J, believe or not. He literally texted me everyday for the past two weeks I was gone. So funny, that guy. Literally everyone was telling me that he kept talking about me, about how upset he was that I was gone. And those same people also told me that he liked me LOL. But anyway, the first thing I did after coming back was helping him and K get together, so obviously he doesn't like me like that hahahah.

And to conclude the week early, I'm going back to the torture cell tomorrow - Friday. My phone will be taken away once again, at night tomorrow. And it would be a month before I would get my phone once again, so bless me. Two weeks felt like two months. I can't imagine how four weeks would feel. More tears and sulking, I guess.

Mec has been busy the whole week and J is upset, which I don't understand why either. But anyway, he texted Mec and that led to us having our first fight. Either way,  Mec will be free on my last day so I'll try to talk to him as much as I can. J also happened to be free tomorrow so I guess I get both of my favourite dudes on my last day hahaha. Sigh, I feel melancholic as I'm typing this. I guess my next update will be on my next return, probably a month from now.  I'll try to be more constant will my posts, even after my permanent return. I love writing, after all hahaha. See you when I see you, nobody (I really should give my blog a name 😂).

Fazzy - out for now.

I am terrible at this XD

Well, first of all, HI!

Hahahaha I know, I know. I am really bad at keeping a constant update of my blog. Well, not like anyone is a major follower anyway, but seriously hahaha. Anyway, in regards my last post, I do have a lot to update and share, but I don't think I can do that in 2 days. So... I'll do the summary for events I can recall 😅😂

Okay so, I got into roleplaying a few months after I started work. Met a lot of very interesting people, also a lot of child predators and really just assholes. Skipping them, I would to mention one friend, N, whom I met on 1st October 2018 that is still my friend now, still roleplaying with me (a different story now lol) and has never tainted me (seriously). He's also been an amazing guy that I kinda had a crush on for a short while (very long actually). Well, we would've dated if we were closer to each other. Besides he doesn't do long distances so that's why hahaha.

Apart from that guy, I forgot to mention A, K and J. I met both A and K when I first got into group roleplaying. Ironically, before I met N. A is an amazing that has unbelievably a lot of similarities to me. The things we faced, the things we liked, our personalities. We're like literal twins, a photocopy of each other. I'm two years older than her though hahaha. K was the admin of my first group, also a magnificent girl who resonates a lot with me. A sensitive and emotional girl just like A and myself. These are my two girl besties in the RP. We've even made a pact to visit each other in the near future, and I will see to it that I do. Lastly, J. Cute guy, cute personality. He treats me like a sister, so I guess he is my brother. I used to have a crush on him and vice versa,  but things turned out differently. He just recently started dating K thanks to moi, so I'm happy for them. He and K are both a year older than me, but treat me very differently hahaha. It's rather unfair to say that he is the last, considering I have made much more great friends, but these four are very important ones to me.

Fast forward to late November-December, we both got into a group RP and I met this guy, M, younger than me. A helpless romantic, like me. A guy with plenty of issues, but I loved him for who he is. We dated after a while of flirting and joking around, but it was short lived. It was toxic for the both of us. I was too hard on him and he was too confusing for me, so we went our separate ways. It  was low-key a relief, but I do miss him sometimes. We're still friends, and we still talk and update each other on our lives. He asked me to get back together a few months after we broke up but I knew it wasn't what he truly wanted nor was it something I needed. It  worked for the best, I''d say.  He's now dating someone else too, so congrats, buddy. 😊

A couple of months after, I dated Mec, which I am still currently dating as of now. YES, I have a boyfriend! Finally hahahah. He's much older than me, much more matured, is a single father of 3. He's been very supportive and amazing despite having a very busy  life. We hit a very hard time and is still facing it right now but I'm thankful that he's willing to face all this with me. I do hope we'd see this year to the end and also walk into next year together, but I do have my concerns. We'll keep that hush-hush for now. I love you, bb 💕💓

That is pretty much it. I'll get into my real life  in my next post, probably in the next few hours or so. Time to go now, but I promise I'll be back shortly. Fazzy - out.

What a long time, huh?

DAMNNN

I didn't realise how long has it been since my last post. Well,  if I have to be honest, this blog comes to mind only when I'm frustrated, bored, broken or simply need to talk but have no one to listen. Not sure if that's good or bad haha.

Okay, let's see. My last post was about the second phase of my internship programmme. Obviously, that was long over. Ended intern and major project presentation fairly well. Went through the remaining half semester extremely well too. I'd say the best semester of my Polytechnic life, hands down.

Next, graduation fell on my dad's birthday. Yeah, what a birthday gift, right? Of course, the biggest day of my life meant nothing to anyone but myself and mum, not even dad. Whatever, I guess.  On a side note, mum sewed me a beautiful floral dress and the material was perfect. Super flowy, heavy but not hot. Totally in love with it. A little sad that I didn't get to live my dream of graduating with a boyfriend HAHAH 😭

And clearly, what else would come next after graduation, right? Dreadful adulting, definitely. Started searching for a job since the last day of school, only got one more than a month after graduation. It was okay at first, but it was hell on  Earth after a few months. At least that's what my Superiors made it feel like, though I can't deny that it was definitely as easy job to do. Heck, my  colleague is freaking 66 years old and still doing it. It's seriously easy. And one more good thing about this is, my best friend worked at the same place as me! My only oxygen in that suffocating building, honestly.

Truth be told, there are sooooo many stories that I can tell about work, but I think I'll save it for another day, yeah? Even more crazy things took place in the past 6 months, so I truuuly don't know where I should start. Let's just say, everything started thanks to role-playing. Hints: Flirting, dating, heartbreak, crushes, friendships, trust, betrayals, drama, comedy, hating and hated. Way more, actually, but I won't be able to sleep if I were to list them all. I haven't even started telling the stories lol 😆

So.......... until next time. Hopefully it's soon because if anymore things were to happen, I might just be able to write a novel about it all XD Oh! Talking about novels, I was also used as a character in someone's novel, but that's another story for another day 😜

Intern 2nd Phase

I swear I think someone needs to literally come here and save me from this hell hole HAHA

As you can see, life is terrible here......... I, for once, am shocked that I am pissed to be sitting around playing games all day. I mean, it would be such a great thing if I didn't have to wake up at the crack of dawn to chase after a bus and be transported to somewhere 1 hour away from home. Of course, life is not that kind. I HAVE TO DO ALL THAT, and sit on this miserable excuse for a chair, for a whole 10 hours. To add to that beautifully miserable life, I have to constantly be on edge whenever someone comes by the office. Ended up reading the same document/journal 10 times, while looking for spelling errors that no longer exist (okay 10 times checking are enough to ensure all spellings are on point) and trying to make myself super preoccupied.

Who knew you'd be pissed just being able to play games and listen to songs. Maybe it was the uncomfortable chair? Maybe its the amount of guys surrounding me? OR MAYBE BECAUSE I WOKE UP EARLY AND TRAVELED FAR TO BE DOING NOTHING? Oh well. At least I get paid lolol but ...................................... ugh somebody please save me I beg you 😭😭😭😭😭 preferably Tsumugu or Minato or Akiyoshi or SaeYoung or Jumin BUT at this point anyone would be perfect ugh.

Its hasn't even been HALF of June, and I'm sooooooooooooo stoked for internship to end. Which is in 2 and a half months. With also the fact that I HAVE to reduce the number of MCs I can take. Don't blame if this place makes me wanna die all the time I had to call in sick lol make this a better place w better seats and I can probably go longer without MC.

I'm sorry this post is just ranting I seriously am trying to keep myself sane and trying my best to live through this. I really wanna graduate and I pray so hard that I won't end up back in this place, or anything worse than this.

Intern 1st Phase

I should probably write here often. It's the only place I can rant and not be judge. okay I'll still be judged, but I wouldn't know, would I? HAHA.

April 2017

Intern starts. All drama left behind. I need this. I WANT this. I can do this. It's my life, and I have to prove to pricks that I can go further thanks to them, or thanks to their disappearance. Everything seems to be okay now. Cool and steady. BUT what am I doing at my intern again?

God I miss school and friends. Life here is boring. You sit and stare and do nothing for a whole 10 hours. Who knew intern could this bloody boring. Unbelievable. Got my first pay. It was pathetic, but at least I have some cash for the "work" I did. Glad to say I survived the first 3 days I was thrown here.

May 2017

Dad's birthday came by so fast. Thankfully I had money to treat him something. It wasn't much, but it will have to do for now. Work has gradually improved. I read documents, edit documents, and then I'm back to staring. but at least now I have a laptop, and I can listen to music and act like i'm doing some work. 

Days go by without a proper project, or a decent work. LO is getting in my nerves, and supervisor clearly doesn't give a shit. I had 4 MCs in 1 month of working at this place. Got really worried about my pay. Can you imagine losing $110 just because I'm sick of work lol joke but it would be horrible.

I did manage to get something rather important to do nearing the end of the month, but
I wished it was something better. LO wouldn't stop nagging and making us feel guilty. How am I supposed to feel guilty? I asked. I wanted something. There's nothing for me to do. I can't force them right? I'm so confused but I dealt with the days.

Maybe things would be better in the fasting month?

Peace?

Wow it's been awhile. Was I too preoccupied with life? Or I just couldn't put everything in words? So many things happened this year. Its only the start of 2017, and I feel like my life just went over my head and changed completely. People left, new people came, plans backfired, feelings hurt. I guess that's life right?

January-February 2017
Things were as per usual. At least that's what I thought. We have people staying over here. So much longer than your usual "staying over". The house became so much messier and noisier. Parents became so much more vexed and the constant quarrels were suffocating. These people... I wonder what they felt. They were the ones causing all this ruckus. Don't they feel guilty? Not even a single trace of guilt! How do you even live with yourself?

You can't accept the truth when its thrown right at your face. You can't use your brain either. Well, since I'm always the stupid one, I suppose you'd be wiser right? I guess not. If you're happy with I said, or would like to disagree and give a better fact about yourself, you should've came and spoke to me.

I know now that both of you are COWARDS. You think everyone is scared of you cus you are a frequent resident in prison. I really don't give 2 shits. In fact, I don't even have to worry. You screw up, you end up back in there lol. But seriously, social media? Involving outsiders? You're THAT lacking up there? It's so sad to see how low you have stooped. And that friend of yours... just the same kind of shit you are.

Whatever, I don't really about you anyway. I brought myself a huge burden just thinking how could a sister do this but then I realised, you've been like a sister to me anyway. You were too busy hating me since I was born and no matter what accomplishments I achieved, it's causing you sore eyes. So yeah, for all I care, I have the house back pace and quiet and CLEAN.

Now, I should enjoy the peace, right? 🤣😏

It's been awhile...

Its been a long time since I wrote here. So many things happened. So many things changed.  Life is just so complicated.From the last post, I can say I stopped talking to Khidhir hahaha. Probably for the best. Dont want to catch them feelings again... right? Raihan is... well... being Raihan. The asshole but sometimes really, really sweet boyfriend material, Raihan. I still love him. But I dont know if I'm in love with him like how I used to. He kept giving me hopes... but he never showed any chances either. So, I'm not so sure. I feel like being toyed with but I know he didn't mean anything at all. He is just being a good guy friend, thats all. But thats what made it hurt so much more. Anyway, whatever. He said he is not ready to be in a relationship cus he want to "grow up as a person". LOL. Okay. I dont really know what to feel anymore. With all these assholes. My life just suck at everything, right? Not just romance... but life as a whole. Lol.