It's been three weeks...

As promised, I'd update when I return home again. Well, it's my last day home before I have to go back to 'the' place. A lot of things happened. A lot has changed and honestly, I don't really know how to think or feel about it all.

Firstly, I lost Mec. We broke up the very day I got my phone back because he felt like things aren't fair for either of us and that we both deserve to find someone we can truly hold instead of finding comfort in words and photos. I guess it makes sense, but it would've hurt a little less if he said that when I was going to leave the first time. He said a completely different thing then, but it's suddenly an issue now. Oh well... I was very much looking forward to talking to him. I had so much I wanted to tell him. So much I wanted to ask and hear from him, but I guess I can forget all that now. I even kept a diary that was mostly dedicated to him, but now that book means shit. I'd probably burn it or tear out the pages. It just hurts to think about him now, considering we've made a considerable amount of memories together. I truly loved him and I was really, really happy with him. He said he wanted us to stay as friends, but he ghosted me right away after breaking up with me. God.. I don't know how much I've cried for that man since before we dated. I just love you so, so much, Mec. This is way harder for me than I made you believe...

Moving on, J is a motherflacking madman. He literally dropped the bomb on me, right after I broke up with the man I loved so much, that he's still in love with me. Despite being in a relationship. He's loved me since before I dated Mec, but he's never said anything before. And guess what? He wanted to cheat on her with me. Like, tf? K is my bestfriend. I could never do that her. Hell, I could never do that to anyone. I'd never want to experience that again personally, so why would I do that to someone else? Either way, he's been bothering me, saying 'I love you's like it meant nothing. Heck, I'm not even over Mec yet. I still miss that man a ton, so J is seriously making a huge mess in my head, with his confession and his invitation. It's incredibly maddening. And I have a strange feeling that he's lying about who he really is, but I can't tell K because then she'd find out J's supposed secret and it would also mess her up badly. I'm just so damn stressed.

Meanwhile, K told me that their relationship hasn't been doing great. They had a fight that started from something miniscule and it's kind of dragged out until now. I don't really understand why it's become such a big deal, but it has. And it feels like J is not even trying to fix it because he's way to focused on me to give a shit. Even K told me that they barely spoke, but he's been talking to me the entire night last night. She also told me that it's really awkward between them, so I really don't know what's going to happen while I'm gone. I hope J disappears somehow, so then I don't have to explain anything to K and just symphatise with her. Dear life, why are you so complicated...

On the good side, I met Jassie yesterday and it was really great. I missed her immensely and getting the chance to talk to her and joke around like old times felt amazing. Though it was a really shot session, since she ended work late and the mall was closing up so we couldn't stay longer. I need a much, much longer time with her. I need someone to talk to. Someone who'd give me support instead of blaming me or shooting me down, or guilt-tripping me by saying they're jealous. I need just one person that I can talk about Mec with, because while everyone is busy adding their issues to my thoughts, I didn't even get the chance to properly cry for him. I want him and I need him...

Either way, I'll be leaving in a few hours. J isn't around at the moment, despite saying he'd spend the whole day with me. K and A are both sleeping. Mec is also sleeping, I suppose, but he's been ignoring me anyway so it won't make any difference if he's up. I sent him one long ass text with a summary of what I wanted to say, so I guess we won't be talking anymore. I'll be gone for another three weeks, so I hope that would be enough time for me to heal.

His Nur - out.